Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Scamming a Scammer, Part 7

From John:
Ohh Eliza i really feel for you but i want you to know that if you can get the loan and start work then you will really make lots of money..Okay you can get all the materials at staples or office depot and the versa software is the software that you will install to your computer and it will take you through the process of putting the information that will be on the check...and the paper check is the blank check that you willput into the printer and it willprint out the checks as you put the information on the versa software..I am waiting for your mail and why haven't you send the information that i requested fromyou..The scan identities.

From Me:
I feel like the compassion and kindness are gone. Your emails have become curt and pushy. I just feel like you're bossing me around. In the beginning I really felt like I had a future working with you; maybe even more. Now I'm beginning to think you were just sweet-talking me because you've got some sort of American quota to meet with your company. I want to trust you but it's really hard when you talk to me this way. What happened to us, John?

Monday, March 30, 2009

Role Reversal

I drove home on Sunday to be with my mom. She needed another surgery on her wrist to remove the screws that her body is now feeling quite resentful of. I felt such nerves the entire day, hoping to God that my mother wasn't so incapacitated after the cutting that she might vomit and/or require a sponge bath. I'm a nurturer, but I nurture with food. This is not my speed.

Mom walked into the out-patient facility promptly at 7am this morning (which she declared was still the "dark hour" at which no human should be required to function) and got all scrubbed up and hopped up on Valium, or some similar blabber-mouth drug. I delighted in watching my mother comment on the doctor's cold sore and declare he must have been in a bar fight all while smiling along at what must have been, from her perspective, a drug-induced version of the Muppets. :)
Her post-surgery procedures took longer than the actual surgery. The doctor assured me, as he tornadoed past, that she was fine and the surgery was successful. When I finally got to view his masterpiece, he was in another surgery and my mom looked like she taken a quick nap before a shopping day. This was nothing like the scene that was described to me after her first surgery. She smiled and said, "Hi. I'm kinda light-headed, and my arm is like play dough." This was a good sign.
She is now resting comfortably next to a warm glass of apple juice, a bottle of water, and 17 remote controls. This time around the incision was not at all invasive and after taking out the two little screws without incident (which now sit in a plastic bag on the counter for memory-sake), mom seems like she could be in the Wrist-Surgery Olympics (Team Cyst).

Thursday, March 26, 2009

High School

Just found out my 10 year high school reunion is in September. Isn't it funny how all those memories of self-perceived inadequacy, hours spent guessing at unspoken rules, feelings of self-loathing, physical anxiety, shortness of breath, numbing of the appendages, throat tightening, shooting scalp pain, vomiting, muscle twitching, dizziness, and heart palpitations all come back so quickly?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Scamming a Scammer, Part 6

It's getting clear that John is sick of waiting around for Eliza to find the scanner. However, I am sensing that this work relationship might be turning into something more for John. The asterisks are really pushing the points home in this one..Let's read...
From John to Eliza:
Yes i have been expecting your mail...Okay but since i did not hear from you so i think you might have a network problem and am very sorry for your sister incident and the embarrasment but i want you to tell her to always be calm in every thing she does,Okay because God dont want fighting its a very bad thing..Okay just talk to her an make sure she dont fight again and also about your freind issue.....Well i dont know why pple use to loose there opportunities about an offer,well is upto her but i want to know if you can do this work of helping our company in printing checks from home and sending it out through Ups or fedex which i will pay for there shipping online....I will give you the clients name to be on the check and the bank info to be on the check(I am giving you this offer because i trust you,You know its very risky giving out our company bank information but i am giving it to you since you will need it for printing out the checks and because i likes *loves* and trust you,))Okay i will give you the client names to be on the check and each amount to be on the check with the bank info to use and the signature..i know that you will be thinking of how to do this but you will need some materials and in the field of printing the checks.The versa Software Gold 2008 will take you through printing of the check because when you buy the versa software you will install it to your computer and it will take you through the process of inserting all the necessary informations to be on the check.....and after printing the checks you will put it into a ups or fedex envelope and also attach the shipping label that i will send to you for each of the names and you will gum it to the envelopes with the name corresponding with the name on the check and the name on the shipping label and drop it in either ups or fedex drop box that is in your area(which one i instruct you to use) and thats all about it.....but i want you to know that you will need the below materials for printing of the checks....

1 Versa Software Gold 2008
2 Blank Check Papers
3 Printer,Scanner and Ink
4 Ups and Fedex Envelopes

And you can get all this materials at office depot or Staples that is in your city...and i do understand your situation that you dont have enough money but i want you to go through the stress and get this materials so that you can do this work because you will be paid $1800 at the end of the month so i want you to either take a loan from your bank or from a freind and let them kow that you will pay at the end of the month and all the materials should not be costing than $220...Okay and let me know when you can get the materials and i discusses this with the board in the meeting that they should allow the secretary to send you some money for the materials but they said *NO that the company as run through a lot of loss dealing like that so when you get the materials then you will work and Get paid* So let me know when you can get the materials..
From Eliza to John

I'm going to be honest. I don't have any idea what any of this means. What is versa software?! Where do I get blank check papers? Are those like rolling papers?! I'm beginning to think this isn't a job I can do. I don't know if you know what the economy is like here in the states since you are in Merry Old England, but I couldn't get a loan here. No one can. Not even the people down the street who just put in a microwave. I don't know how you expect me to do all this. I felt like you really knew me, and judging from the feelings I see you are starting to feel for me, I am just not so sure our business relationship is going to be a good idea.


Monday, March 23, 2009

Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist

I've decided to start my own Movie Review service. This is the first one.

Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist
This movie made me happy. If you haven't seen it, watch it sometime. It'll probably make you happy too.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Scamming a Scammer, Part 5

From John:
Hmm...Okay but i want you to tell her to mail my freind first so that she can get details about the job he is offering and so that you can make use of her scanner and let her know that he is someone i trust and cant run a scam..Okay
(I love how he ends everything with "Okay")

From me to John:
Ok, it has been a crazy 3 days, John. CRAZY! My aunt was arrested last night for apparently getting into a fight with her neighbor! See, I went over to my aunt's because she said she had a scanner (which turned out to be a camera) and she told me the neighbor kept cutting down her Pepper Trees. So I go over to the neighbor's house and I ask them why they're cutting down her trees. She tells me my aunt is growing illegal Pepper Trees, which is nuts because she has permits for ALL of them. So she starts yelling at me and OF COURSE my aunt defended me. She threw one excellent jab. So it took me all weekend to get her out of jail because I don't have any money and I had to pull some strings. I have hardly had time to look for the scanner. Although, when all was said and done, my aunt's neighbor said she had a scanner I could use. I just don't know if I should trust her.
Oh, and by the way, my friend who took my Easter dress? SHE IS SUCH A LIAR. I am NOT sending her the information about your friend's email because she will TOTALLY use you for your money. I overheard her talking and she was saying how I was so dumb because I was going to give her an email address of a guy who she was going to sweet talk into sending her money! Well, I told her, "Listen, bitch. You don't know John like I know him. He would NEVER take advantage of you and I won't ever let you take advantage of him OR his huge company." Needless to say she hasn't given me the dress back, but that's ok, John. I don't even want it anymore.


Thursday, March 19, 2009


Yesterday I got a phone call from a school offering me a consulting position! I will basically be working with teachers and staff to help them better understand learning disabilities and easy but effective ways of dealing with them in the classroom. They left it up to me to choose the topics so I chose ADHD, a diagnosis that has slowly become recognizable in most households. My first presentation will be on the latest research for teaching students with ADHD and holding their attention in the classroom despite common, everyday distractions. I'm hoping David will read my blog tonight since I only made it through the first 6 words each of the 19 times I tried telling him this good news while the TV was on.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Scamming a Scammer, Part 4

From me to John:
John! That picture is great! But I thought you were in England? There are palm trees in the background. Do they have palm trees in England? I've never seen such a tan Brit. Well done, there.
Good news, I found a friend with a scanner. It's my neighbor in the double-wide. I guess if you can afford a double-wide, you can afford a scanner. She said I could borrow it, but only if she could get in on our deal. I didn't tell her your name or anything, don't worry. But I really think she would be a good addition to the US crew. She's pretty honest (except for the time she borrowed my Easter dress and then never gave it back and then told everyone it was hers) and she knows a lot more about scanning and England than I do. What do you think? Should we let her in on the deal?

From John to me:
Okay,you are such a funny person and i will like to chat with you on yahoo messenger i want you to add me now rocks98741@yahoo.com and also mail me as soon as you add me and you are online,I want you to make sure you scan the details and send it to me soon because this is getting late and also for your freind i have one of my Freinds Company that needs a worker..Okay,you can tell her to mail them at w_tim33@yahoo.com they need someone that can work from Home..Okay so if she mail them they will tell her the details .and i amn waiting for you online and tell her to return your Esther Dress to you so that you can use it for the Up coming Esther.

From me to John:
You sure do make me laugh! I'd love to talk to you on yahoo messenger, but I have gmail. Not yahoo. I can't talk to you on the yahoo messenger!
My neighbor, Melanie, said she doesn't want to work with the new guy that's your friend. She won't let me use her scanner unless she can work with you. She said that you never know who these people can be and she only wants to work with someone she can trust (I assured her that she can trust you). She told me that the new guy could be a scammer and she is not going to have her identity stolen again. I don't know what else to do, John. It's like she's holding the scanner for ransom! I told her time is running out and that we are going to miss out on a really good deal here. Isn't there any other way?
Also, it was really making me think all day...Where was that picture of you taken?!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


My Irish grandmother used to call me Erin-Go-Braugh-Less, in case any of you were wondering why I went into psychology.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Scamming a Scammer, Part 3

This one's a doozy.

From John Doe:

Ok..i am not married yet,i am single and i want you to go to a cyber cafe in your area to do the scanning or in any library in your area..we have office in London..Okay Make sure you get it scanned and send tomorrow and after that then i can trust you and get somethings for you..Okay

From Me, To John Doe:


I completely understand. It's very difficult to have a relationship without trust. I know for a fact you can trust me. Isn't it sad that there are so many people in the world who would want to manipulate and take advantage of poor, unsuspecting people?! It's terrible. I would never do that, though, John.

Ok, so what is a cyber cafe? I went down to this place called Starbucks this morning to see if they had a scanner and they told me they did but I wasn't allowed to use it. I don't have a library card, so I can't go to my local library. Just tell me what a cyber cafe is and I'll go to one and scan everything for you.

Although, speaking of trust, I've done everything you asked me to do so far and all I asked you to do was send me a picture and you didn't do it. As much as I want to work for you, I need to trust you too. Please send me a picture when you get the cyber cafe address. I might be happy and nice, but I'm not dumb and I don't want you to take advantage of me either.


From John Doe:
a cyber cafe is a browsing shop that is in your area well i dont know if you have that in your area but if not,i will like you to borrow a scanner from a freind and use it because the company will not be allowing you to pickup funds for us unles you provide those required information and if you could try and produce them today,then you can have a pickup on Monday or Tuesday and you will take %10 of it as yours and send the remaining to us here,so i want you to make sure you get it scanned today and send it and am very sorry for not sending my pice earlier in the mail ,am so sorry for that and i have attached it now..Okay

(Can you believe how HOT John Doe is?!)

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Empty Handed

Dave and I drove 4 hours to Bradenton, Florida today to meet and hopefully bring home Misstree, a 4-year-old Boxer. When we got there and introduced the two of them, they appeared to show little if no interest in each other. Not the best case scenario, but certainly not the worst. After about 20 minutes inside, Misstree started getting snarly and physical with Charlie. She was not too happy about his presence in her house and made it known. We worked with her a little bit, but it quickly became obvious that a lot of rehabilitation would be necessary if the two of them were to live together. Being that we're going to Europe in 2 weeks, we decided it was better that we leave without Misstree since we would spend 2 weeks helping her assimilate into our home and then 2 weeks away (leaving her with friends who have dogs of their own). It was bad timing and perhaps not the right match. We're going to wait and see how things pan out after Europe. If Misstree is still available, then hopefully we can go scoop her up. If not, hopefully there's another Boxer waiting for us...

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Scamming a Scammer, Part 2

From John Doe:
I really like the way that you respond to my message,it really makes my laugh and give me a little happiness and what work are you doing before?well i want you to know that for you to pickup funds for us we need to make sure you are trutworthy and honest so due to this the company is requesting for your Social Security Number,you need to scan it to me so that we will know that you are trust worthy and honest and this for security reasons because we have lose alot of money on this kind of thing bcause when pple pick up funds for us then they will not send it to us again and will also not respond to our emails,and thats why the company is requiring for this details from you and below are the things required from you:

Your Name and Address:

Scan of your Driver License and SSN:

So i will be waiting for that now...

From Me:

Well, you know, I love to make people happy! In fact, that's what I was doing before. I was making people happy. I had this business called Happy People. I sold these little pink pills to my friends and everyone came back saying it made them happy so I started a company! It went out of business after I got sued by someone who was obviously not very happy. That's why I'm out of a job now.

Anyway, I'd love to scan you all that stuff to you but I don't have a scanner! Where do I get one? I actually don't even know how I would buy one right now because I don't have any money. That's why I'm looking for the job. I tried scanning once using the CD rom on my computer but now I can't fit anything else in there, so it's not going to work. Can you send me a scanner?

Also, what do you look like?! Send me a picture!! Do you have an office over there in London? Are you married?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Scamming a Scammer

This is going to be a series...
I got the following email after posting an ad for a job on Craigslist. I decided to create an new email address to mess with the guy. Who knew scamming scammers could be so funny?!?!

From John Doe (really his "name"):
Hello my company needs a trust worthy worker that can be our representative in the Us...we are located in Uk London but we need someone in the Usa to receive payments from our clients through Western union and send it to us here in Uk..Pls we need a responsible and reliable worker to do this for us..Okay

Get back to me asap if you can do this job so that i will tell you what we require and also when you are emailing us back.pls make sure you include your Pics so that we can know the person that wants to work for us...Okay
London branch (Head Office)
25 Luke Street
+44 (0) 20 7739 8200

Letter from me:
Dear Mr. Doe,

Your company sounds great, and by the looks of your website you are really successful. I think you should be proud of your accomplishments and go ahead and use your company's email address instead of this yahoo.com one! Although, maybe you're trying to keep a low profile based on the amount of money you probably make. If that's case, good going. Its pretty clear that you're educated; why else would you use all the shorthand? Educated people don't have time to waste spelling out whole words, or even using abbreviations correctly. I also love your British accent. I mean, I'm assuming that's why you wrote out "Okay" at the end of every sentence. It's so cute. Anyway, I'm definitely willing to take receive unauthorized payments from your clients via Western Union so that I can send it on out of the country for you. I mean, make money by sending you guys money? That's a dream job. So just let me know when to pick up the first check and I'll do it. I'm attaching my picture, like you requested.
Sincerely, Eliza

Some days be good, Some days be bad

In January I was working 8 hours a day, driving for 2, and cooking/cleaning for 4. Now, in March, I spend 12 hours a day looking for something to do. Making lists at the end of everyday for the following morning aren't nearly as satisfying when they don't include, "Help a child to learn to read," and, "Plan your IEP meeting." My list currently includes:
  • Work out
  • Mop the front tile
  • Finish the desk
  • Wrap birthday presents
  • Buy fabric for dog bed
  • Call Susan
  • Play with Charlie
  • Vacuum
I'm just trying to trust that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be...with my little list.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Crock Pots and Babies

I found some great recipes for a crock pot today and I want to have a baby.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Redneck Drama

I decided to plant some annuals and herbs in a planter out front today (because I don't have a job). The redneck and his friend came home around 2pm and decided to walk to the fence and talk to Charlie. I finally engaged in friendly conversation with them. When I felt in a lull in the chat, I told them Charlie would be getting a sister soon. They promptly asked me if she was fixed, because they didn't want me to inbreed them. I quelled their fears. When asked where I was getting the new dog from, I told them Sarasota. Then-

Redneck: Oh I like Sarasota. You ever been to Siesta Key?
Me: No. Sounds nice, though.
Redneck: It's real pretty. We went down there to Disney World last week.
Me: Oh yeah? That sounds like fun!
Redneck: Yeah. Sure was. We camped at the KOA down there, road a bunch of rides. Spent the whole weekend. Then my wife left me.
Me: What?
Redneck: Which part.
Me: Your wife left?
Redneck: Oh. Yeah. She went to her mom's. She's done it before, but this time I think it's gonna stick.
Me: Wow. I'm really sorry.
Redneck: It's alright. She's got an energy drink problem.
Me: Oh. That's a shame.
Redneck: Yeah. It's better she be with her mom. I mean, her real mom was a prostitute and she only lived with her 'till she was three, but still those are formative years, you know?
Me: Oh absolutely! You're absolutely right.
Redneck: I mean, gull dern. (Not making this up...)

Monday, March 9, 2009


As I prepared dinner for my in-laws tonight, I turned Ellen on in the kitchen. Ellen and Oprah are two of the only daytime shows I'll watch because I can always count on the to be funny or interesting without paternity tests or chair-throwing. The guest on Ellen today was Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton.
Can anyone explain to me why Paris Hilton is still relevant? I got the feeling that Ellen treated some of the interview like a joke, but I still don't understand why anyone even gives this girl the time of day. In a short video clip, they showed Paris' house with a giant picture of herself on nearly every wall. Paris with puppies, Paris naked in a truck, Paris stretched out in a cat outfit. Paris called the video clip "cute" and went on to describe her new boyfriend, who was "cute", and how he got her a tea cup puppy for her birthday and how "cute" it was. She also explained how her dogs live in a mini-dog mansion complete with a chandelier. And the mansion, you guessed it, was "cute." With a 17 word vocabulary and the personality of a middle school girl, I just cant figure out why people encourage her fame.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

I'm Pretty Too

Helena Christensen: "I eat like a pig!"

"I eat more than anyone I know," says Helena Christensen. "I'm obsessed! [Food] takes up about 75 percent of my brain. I eat like a pig!"

Hey Helena - Go fuck yourself.
(sorry mom)

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Redneck Neighbors

David and I went out for a quick dinner last night. On our way into the driveway, we noticed the Redneck Neighbors were having a party on their front lawn. We rushed inside to avoid an invite.

I woke up this morning and peered out the window into their yard. I see:
  • An old oil barrel cut in half (clearly for the bonfire)
  • Two lawn chairs
  • Three broken lawn chairs
  • A child's plastic bike
  • 40 or 50 beers
  • A wire dog crate
  • A tire
  • A pile of towels
  • A strange figuration of CDs on the ground
  • A frying pan full of cigarette butts
Needless to say, I'm sorry we missed the party.

Friday, March 6, 2009


(When did this turn into a health blog?!)

I honestly cannot figure out why people are still smoking. Smoking increases risk of almost all types of cancer, heart disease, lung disease, skin disease, and takes between 5 and 10 years off of your life! How are people still doing this?!
I only ask because, to be honest, I encountered far fewer smokers in L.A. than I have in Florida. Even the smokers I did see in L.A. were more polite about their smoke than people have been here. Granted, it is harder to find a place to smoke in L.A.; but wouldn't you think the bible belt covered in families would be healthier than a bunch of Hollywood yahoos? I sat down to an outdoor lunch the other day and was shocked at the amount of people who sat outside just so they could smoke before and after their meal (which in turn meant that I was inhaling smoke before and after my meal). They didn't stand up and move away from people eating; they didn't even seem to mind that passers-by were coughing and waving their hands. They just kept right on smoking.
I think I'm going to make it my goal this year to help someone stop smoking. I don't know anyone offhand that smokes, but I am going to find one!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Why I Love my Husband

Last night we went to the Downtown ArtWalk. We walked through the MOCA, lots of local artists' work, a copeira demonstration, and a drum circle! It was a lot of cultural fun.
As we finished walking through the top floor of the MOCA, we started discussing the exhibit. The latest set of photographs were all about animals. Some artists captured road kill, some captured people dressed up as animals, some created collections of families with their dogs dating as far back as the 1910s. Waiters walked around with trays collecting used glasses and bottles, as the bar downstairs was open and serving during the event. As we headed for the exit, I was reminded why I love my husband.

David: I think the way the exhibit was laid out was confusing to me.
Erin: Oh yeah? Why?
David: Well, I think I prefer to see organization or patterns among the art. The through line was obviously animals, but I didn't really see how any of it related beyond that.
Erin: Right, well, it's a contemporary rather than an historical look at things.
David: Yes, and the reason I enjoy historical museums...
(We pass by a discard tray with a nearly full Corona bottle, abandoned)
David: ...awww. That's sad.
David: The reason I like historical museums is because I am better able to see the overall message than in a contemporary museum, though I appreciate contemporary art a little more.
Erin: Right. I understand that.
David: That bottle was full.What a waste.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The State of Food

Everyone knows that 80% of the food in grocery stores is not really food. But usually we can stick to the outermost sections of the store; refrigerated sections, freezer sections, and produce. But when companies like Yoplait get their dirty little paws into these sections of the store, we can easily be fooled if we're not careful.

Yoplait had this great idea to put yogurt in a tube and market it to kids. No spoons necessary. You don't even have to sit down to eat it. Well, to begin with, Yoplait yogurt is not exactly yogurt. It contains 3 added sweeteners, including sugar, high fructose corn syrup, and fruit. When we read that it is a 99% fat free food with only 150 calories in a whole cup, we fail to see through to the fact that over half of the calories in a serving of Yoplait come from sugar. It also has two different preservatives and Carmine. What's carmine? Look away if you're squeamish. Carmine is carminic acid that comes from...boiled bugs. Yep. They use this acid to color foods. Is it bad for you? Probably not too bad. Is it necessary? I don't know about you, but I'm fine with plain colored yogurt.
To think we're putting something in our body that is giving us a very small percentage of worthwhile food is bad enough. What in the world are we giving our children? Gogurt. We're giving them a plastic tube filled with "food" they can eat as they walk around, using only their little hands. And we think to ourselves, "Look! I'm feeding my kid yogurt and they love it!" Gogurt has more sugar in it than the regular Yoplait yogurt per serving. There is more sugar in an ounce of Gogurt than there is in an ounce of Coca-Cola! Would you sit down and give your kid a few ounces of Coke in a tube as a snack?!
I get sad and frustrated when I read what is really in "food." It is so sad to think that enough people exist who care not for the well-being of consumers but for their own pocketbooks. They create and sell the cheapest version of "food" that in the past 50 years has caused the West to see the sharpest increase in disease, obesity, and mental illness ever.
So, I guess I challenge any readers today to take a look at one label in the pantry and see what's actually in there. Get real and hang on tight, because you're going to see more words you can't pronounce than you have since grade school. And consider those labels you can't read no longer worthy of being in your home. Don't throw food away (no one can afford to do that right now). Instead, make better choices next time you're at the store.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

We Moved to Florida

And I watched the news...


Monday, March 2, 2009

Not for Men

The Bachelor

Tonight was the single most dramatic episode EVER.

What a douche bag.

Sunday, March 1, 2009


When we moved in together in California, Sundays were my favorite day. In our little one-bedroom apartment we rolled out of bed and laid on the couch to watch the morning news and drink coffee. One of us got up and made a breakfast that took too long to make on a weekday. The other made a list of things to do. Together we ate breakfast, planned our day, and got to work. Usually there was plenty of laundry and a good bit of cleaning. Sometimes one or both of us went to the grocery store to get the week's goodies. It was overall a relaxing, productive, and wonderful day.
When David and I moved into a bigger apartment beneath Jesse and Crystal, our Sundays became a little more friend-filled. We usually did something fun all together. It was a different kind of great - less productive but full of laughs and fun. And when football season came, look out. Those Sundays were some of my favorite memories.
Today, Sunday, it rained. We opened up all the windows early this morning and laid in bed listening to the rain. When we got up, we laid on the couch with Charlie and some coffee just listening and talking. David made oatmeal, I made a list. We started the laundry and got ready for the day.

Sundays are going to be different; but history seems to repeat itself. Maybe after some time here we'll begin spending time with the neighbors or friends for football and beers. But in the mean time, I'm enjoying the Sunday I'm in.