Sunday, May 31, 2009

Flying and Biting and I Hate You

I went my sister-in-law's house today to play in the pool. We brought the dogs so that they could run and play in their giant yard. Little did I know, the recent rains left behind wading pools of standing water in the corners of the property. If you've ever been to Florida, you know what standing water means...Say it with me now...

That's right, thousands of them. And before I knew it, Charlie's back leg looked like cottage cheese. The poor guy just kept flipping his head from left to right, as if to say to me, "There's one. Another one. There's one." I kept smacking them off, which likely made him question my love for him. ("Why is she hitting me!?") Bella just gave me sad eyes and tall ears the entire time. "Is she going to hit me too?!" We took them inside after only about 20 minutes on the porch.
If there were ever a living creature to be displaced from Earth and sent to live in a fiery ball of hell somewhere far away in outer space, I vote mosquitoes top the list.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Best Worst Night Ever

You ever have a night when all the stars align to make the greatest night ever, and everything goes wrong?
Went to a new Mexican restaurant tonight. The place was packed and the chips and salsa were awesome right off the bat. Our server, She-of-Little-English I call her, quickly took our drink orders and whisked away.
The trouble began shortly thereafter when all the drinks were delivered minus the Strawberry Margarita. A cheese dip order was also overlooked, much to the dismay of the pregnant woman sitting at our table. When a manager happened to pass by, we informed him of the missing items and his response sort of indicated he knew. He knew where all of the missing orders were stored and would quickly retrieve them from the locked vault behind the kitchen. And he did. Except the he brought a regular margarita and some cheese dip that appeared to be mozzarella and water warmed up in the microwave.
As the "appetizer" sat and cooled, our empty drink glasses began to pile up at the edge of the table. Our waitress, a busboy, and the manager passed by several times before eventually someone (who I guess works at the restaurant) waved her arm and said something inaudible. Several minutes later our drink were refilled.
When the meals made it to the table, we all felt rather pleased. All except for the pregnant woman, the only patron in our party with no plate laid in front of her. We wait several moments for someone to come by with her plate, but unfortunately, several moments wasn't long enough. I flagged down our waitress and showed her the empty spot at our table and she nodded knowingly. She knew about the missing-orders vault as well. She left and returned within moments food. She then brought her tip swiftly from 18% to 15% with one question: What did you order again?
The food wasn't as good as it looked. David's fajita meat lay charred on an overheated skillet, literally tasting of grill garbage. The fish tacos fell apart, the beans looked like the gruel Oliver was forced to eat in the orphanage, and something tasting strongly of mold left the nachos sitting untouched at the edge of the booth. Notice how when the food sucks, no one stops to ask you how your meal was?
We thought we'd top the night off with ice cream and the worst scary movie ever, "Quarantine." Shot entirely in first person (a la Blair Witch Project), we all felt more sick during the closing credits than we did after dinner. The ice cream sitting on top of nasty Mexican food didn't help either. We couldn't help but laugh ourselves into a coma at how ridiculously bad everything we attempted to do turned out to be. Sometimes a bad night can be pretty awesome. :)

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Scamming a Scammer - I Finally Ticked him Off

Oh boy. After months of mindless banter and totally unrelated questioning, I've finally pissed him off. I was as surprised as you all are by his reactions! When we last left off, I asked John if he'd received the money I sent to "Aaron."

From John to Eliza
Hey.what do you mean by that?there is nothing delivered here and you did not provide the Tracking number..How did you send it?and also did you send the money to Aaron through Western Union?If so what are the transfer details?

Senders Name and Address?
Exact Amount sent?

So let me have this details..Okay

From Eliza to John
Western Union?!?! You told me in your last email to send everything, including $350 cash, directly to the address you provided to me. Do you mean to tell me that I was supposed to send my identities through the Western Union?! Do you think Aaron will save my identities and send them back to me? I really need my ID back so I can drink in the surrounding towns (I'm already banned from drinking in the town I live in).
When do I get the laptop?!

From John to Eliza
Hey Eliza do not disturb me...I hate this shit.

(Whaaaaaat?! Don't worry, I'll bring him back around.)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Gotta Love Jacksonville Craigslist

good money (jax)

Reply to:
Date: 2009-05-19, 7:41PM EDT

I need a female to be by my side and make someone jealous.... I am willing to pay top dollar per hour to go to the suns game and out to dinner at a fundraiser set up...... $30 an hour for about 20 hours of your time...... reply if interested for more details

  • Location: jax
  • Compensation: $30 an hour
  • Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
  • Please, no phone calls about this job!
  • Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Things I Learned in a Thai Restaurant in L.A.

1. "A Pleasant Light Sauce" means "soy sauce".
2. A "B" in the window might not be because of the food; it might be because of the opaque fish tank.
3. Lime juice dressing on iceberg lettuce does not a salad make.
4. A women's restroom can double as a cleaning supplies closet.
5. When a Thai woman stares you in the eye for more than 5 seconds, she's ready to take your order.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Scamming a Scammer, Part 12

We last left Eliza asking John to send her an address where she can send her "indentities."

From John to Eliza:
Okay below is the company info to send the funds to:

NAME.........................Aaron Porter
ADDRESS ...................304 ROUTE 25a
CITY.......... ................Dayton
STATE....................... Ohio
ZIP CODE. .................45406

Will be waiting for the transferdetails

From Eliza to John:

I have some questions.
1. Who is Aaron?
2. I thought you were in England? Dayton, Ohio is really nice, but it's not as nice as England.
3. Can I just come visit you at this address? I'd like to talk face-to-face.
4. Can you send a Mac laptop? They are so much cuter.


From John to Eliza
YES Aaron is just our agent ...Ok we dont have a branch in Ohio..Aaron is just our Agent in the state and the Laptop we have in the Company is Brand New HP Laptop...Ok so i want you to try and make sure you send the money tomorrow which is Monday...Okay

From Eliza to John:
Did you get it? I sent everything almost 2 weeks ago! I sent my identities and I sent $350 cash, mostly in 1s and 5s because the lady at the bank branch didn't have any legitimate 20s left. Where's the laptop?! I expected to have it by now!
I went ahead and set up an office near my house. It's actually in the 76 station bathroom, but there was already a table in there and you can lock it from the inside. It's damned near perfect!! I don't even have to leave work to go to the bathroom!! I went ahead and moved all of my office supplies in but I felt like it was a little impersonal so I'm adding some pictures. I've got one of Jesus, one of my Uncle Clemin (my mentor and dealer), and one of myself (there's no mirror in the bathroom). I would really like to put up a picture of you and Aaron as a constant reminder of the people who got me to the place I am today. Would you please send me a picture of you at work; kind of like my boss is there at my office keeping me in line, you know?! Send it soon because the library printer doesn't always have ink. Thanks!
Let me know when the laptop will be here!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Going to L.A. tomorrow to see what still feels like the friends I see everyday, but haven't seen since the end of January. So excited to kick back and enjoy some totally comfortable laughter.

Comfortable laughter is easily taken for granted.

Packing a bag to go somewhere that feels more like home than your home does is really interesting. The things I pulled out of my closet are the t-shirts, the hoodies, the cut off jeans. I found a few cute pieces with which to accessorize, but packed 4 pairs of flip flops and a head band after that. I'm looking forward to feeling the same way I packed.

Monday, May 11, 2009


Erin: Hey there, how is school going?
Student: Good.
Erin: You turn in your English paper?
Student: Yep.
Erin: On time?
Student: Um, probly.
Erin: Awesome. Good for you. Tired today?
Student: Ahh, yeah.
Erin: What time did you turn the TV off?
Student: Probly like, 10 or 11.
Erin: Closer to 10?
Student: Probly.
Erin: Great. Do you have homework tonight?
Student: Nah, not really.
Erin: Ok. Do you want to go over anything with me?
Student: Don't think so.
Erin: Do you want to go home?
Student: Sure. Whatever.
Erin: Great. Good session today. Thanks for coming.

Sunday, May 10, 2009


Best Mother's Day gift, ever. :)

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Scamming a Scammer, Part 11

From Eliza to John:

Hello? I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY. THAT'S WHY I WAS LOOKING FOR A JOB. But if you will just send me your address, I can send you my identities in the MAIL. Geez.

You don't watch CHUCK?! You're crazy. It's such a good show. He's so funny and I'm always wondering whether someone is coming after him for the intercept or his cute little button nose! I totally understand, you're not going to the Michael Jackson concert. It's funny that when you are as wealthy as you are, you can afford to go to things like that but don't have the time. What a trade off to do what you love, huh?
Also, when I first read your response to number 2, I didn't think you understood the meaning of the word "sew." But you know, after I read it for a second time, I began to think you understand the deepest meaning of the word.


From Eliza to John
It's been four days. What is going on? Did you go on holiday?

From John to Eliza
Ohh Eliza am just getting back now and i am just receiving your messages and i want you to know that the help the company can render to you is that you should pay a little funds and get it sent to us and you will receive the materials..Ok

From Eliza to John
What's is the company's address?,

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Scamming a Scammer, Part 10

From me to John:


You have a BOARD? This is a much bigger operation than I thought. I am just continuously surprised and honored. And on top of having a Board, you guys bought me a laptop. Unbelievable. You are the most caring group of...whatever you guys are...that I have ever worked for.  Although, I do have to tell you one this, and please take it constructively: you guys are a little bit forgetful. If I had $450, don't you think I would have scanned my identities, bought the versa software and blank checks, and jumped on a plane out to London to have tea?! I don't have any money, John. This is why I need you. To make money! If you can just give me your address, I'll send you my indentities. Besides, this guy in the trailer park has recently made the big mistake of telling me he was getting a computer from his brother and I'm going to sleep with him so I can start using it.

Also John, I was thinking last night while bathing my kids about your picture in the tropical unknown place. I need to get to know you a little bit better if we are going to be working together. I mean, I've stuck with your company this long and I hardly know anything about you! So, I'd like to ask you 3 fun questions. This is just to help you and I feel more comfortable working with eachother.

1. Do you watch Chuck?

2. If you could sew anything, what would you sew?

3. Will you be attending Michael Jackson's first concert back in London?

Please answer them in your next email.



 From John to Me:

Okay I want you to know that you need to provide some funds before the laptop can be released to you Ok and the least that can be accepted from you is $350 so i want you to try and get this funds before Monday so that the company will not employ another person to this Position..Okay and also below is the answer to your question:

1 I dont watch Chuck

2 If i wants to sew anything its better i sew behaviour plus character to pple around me to make a good report about me when am not around.

3 I am very busy to go the Michael Jackson Concert

Okay i will be waiting to read from you.