This post is a little more detailed than some other ones, so keep that in mind as you read if young eyes are in the room.
Pregnancy makes your body do WEIRD stuff. I feel like every morning I get out of the shower, I look in the mirror and say, "Hi. I'm Erin. Who are you?" Obviously, my stomach is bigger. But not in the way that I always used to practice making it look pregnant in the mirror before I actually got pregnant. It does this weird "V" shape at the bottom where my hips are, so instead of being round it just sort of looks misshapen. It's not all I'd hoped for.
While we're on the subject of stomachs, did you know you grow hair on your stomach when you're pregnant? Well, you do, and someone should tell you. You grow hair. Not cute, fine, peach fuzz hair. Nasty, thick, dark hair. My girlfriends tell me this goes away once the kid pops out. It's DISGUSTING. If it doesn't go away, I'm having that portion of my stomach removed.
Oh, and the line. It's called the "linea negra." It starts down by your hoo-haw and creeps up towards your belly button like ants in line at the chicken bone someone dropped in the grocery store parking lot. How it knows to go straight up the center of your body? I do not know. But it literally looks like someone took a brown Crayola and decided to show me exactly where the middle of my body was.
We all know the boobs get bigger, but does anyone talk about what else happens to them?! First of all, whatever the nipples looked like before, they don't look like that now. I don't know whose these are, but I'd like my old ones back, please. They're entirely the wrong color. They're much the wrong size. Did someone switch them out when I wasn't looking?!
I know, I know, soon I'll start feeling the baby and everything will be beautiful and amazing. But look, I don't even know whose body this is and I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be able to see past my stomach to shave in the very near future. I don't see how that qualifies as beautiful. Did I mention the skin discoloration on my face? Well, if I didn't, you should see it. It's beautiful.