Monday, August 17, 2009

Carbohydrates in Florida

It is more difficult than one would think to order a sugar-free meal. Couple that with the fact that I live in Florida, and I'm in trouble.
Doctor's orders are that I eat absolutely, positively no sugar for several months. So I'm eating a lot of cheese and a lot of meat. Sometimes I sneak in a Sugar Free box of Jello (which I'm not supposed to do, but COME ON). All in all, I'm fairly miserable.
I've taken to ordering my favorite foods, minus the sugar. For example, the other night at sushi I asked for a tuna roll with no rice.

"So you want no rice?"
Yes ma'am.
"What about for sushi?"
Nope, no rice.
"But then you only have fish and Nori."
I know. And that's great.
"Ok. And you want salmon bowl?"
Yes. No rice.
"But it comes in the bowl."
I know it. You can keep it. Just the vegetables and the salmon, please.
"Ok, but it's not gonna be good."

Or, when I tried to order one of Publix's famous subs, sans the bread.

Hi, can you make me the Itallian Boar's Head sub, but put everything you would put in the bread in a bowl instead and leave out the bread?
"I don't think so."
Really? I'll pay the same amount. I just don't want to bread.
"You don't want it?"
Well, I can't eat sugar.
"There's no sugar in our bread."
Sugar is made of flour which is a carbohydrate and those are processed in our bodies the same way as sugar so know what? I just can't eat the bread, ok?
(The lady who makes the subs then walks up)
"So do you want me to cut up the meat for your sub?"
It doesn't matter. Whatever's easier.
"In this kind of bowl?"
Yep. Just a regular salad bowl.
(She looks at me like I'm trying to get away with something)
"You want some kind of sauce?"
No, there's probably sugar in it. Just oil and vinegar.
"You think so, huh?" (one eyebrow up)
Yeah, it's nothing personal. I'm sure it's good sauce.
"How about croutons?"

You get the idea. I really look forward to having the money to hire my own personal chef to cook sugarless, carb-free foods for me all day long.


  1. Call Oprah. She'll get right on that for you.

  2. Somewhat reminds me of when I tell people I keep Kosher.

    "Is there any pork in that?"
    "No, just bacon."
    "Well, no bacon."
    "Did you want ham on the side."
    "Nope, nothing from a pig."
    "Excellent so that would leave you with a cheese burrito with sausage. I will wrap that right..."
    "What part of, did you cut it off a pig do you not get?"