I’ve had some weird dreams in my life. And they usually pop up when I’m experiencing some great change or shift in my life. Right before I left my hometown, I dreamt that I got lost at college and had to call the police to come find me. I dreamt that I wouldn’t fit into my wedding dress about 600 times before our wedding. I dreamt that we went to rescue Charlie and he turned out to be a Great Dane instead of a Boxer, but we’d already signed the paperwork. But nothing, and I mean NOTHING could prepare me for the vivid and insane dreams I started having after I got pregnant.
The first truly disturbing dream began with me sitting in the hotel that I owned/lived in. It was beautiful and there were many carpeted staircases. When a certain woman checked into the hotel, I watched her from across the lobby. And I knew what I had to do. I had to stalk her throughout the entire hotel with the cunning use of a walkie-talkie (though no one was talking to me on the other end). I followed her all the way to her room and waited until she got in the shower. When I heard the water stop running, I immediately burst into the bathroom and cut off her head. I threw her body out the window and tossed her head in the bathtub to “clean it”. Once I wiped up all the blood, I shoved her head in the ceiling fan and went back down to the lobby. You know, all in a day's work.
Another one involved me giving birth to the baby (which only required that I pull my friend’s 8 month old out from under my shirt) in my bedroom while David watched TV. The baby had on a very cute jumper when it was born, and when I took off the jumper it had three bellybuttons. I was not happy about this. I’d already asked that the doctor be very careful not to mess up the baby’s bellybutton and here the thing had THREE. While I lamented by newborn 8-month-old baby’s second and third bellybuttons, I let the baby walk around for a while until it walked over and asked me for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I was really disappointed that my baby didn’t want to breast feed.
Over the next few weeks I dreamt that I laid concrete with Tony Romo in a very pretty dress, saved David from an earthquake in Paris by rocking him to sleep, and searched the city of Jacksonville for empty buildings where David and I could build a new room for the baby. It was maddening to wake up every morning and have to convince myself that I probably never met Tony Romo and that lady in the hotel is more than likely feeling just fine. All the books say that lots of vivid dreams are normal, so I’m just going along for the ride. I just hope David is able to get rid of his tail before the baby is born.