Killing Me Softly

Seven weeks. Seven short little weeks. And I wanted to die.

Everyone had recommendations for the nausea. Saltines by the bed, small snacks all day, apricot juice, Sea Bands, the list went on and on. I did all of those things. Yep. All of them. And it made no difference. I was SICK.

And on top of being sick, I had to pee ALL. THE. TIME. It’s not like my uterus grew so large that it was already pressing on my bladder. It was something about hormones (isn’t it all about the hormones?). So just when I got comfortable and in a position where my nausea wasn’t keeping me awake, I’d have to get up and pee and start the process all over again. The exhaustion was overwhelming.

And the GAS. Oh, my friends, the gas. It came on like a nuclear bomb. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced. Even David didn’t attempt to have fart wars with me anymore because he knew he was going to lose.

With all of these hormones going full-speed ahead to create a giant, kill-all hormone, I didn’t have any idea from day to day how I was going to much more than sleep and breathe. It was a flu that never went away and there was no medicine for. I honestly looked at David a few times and said, “I think I changed my mind. I know we tried really hard for a baby, but I don’t think we really want it. This may have been a mistake. Cool?”

I did bleed for a while after my first ultrasound, but I was so sick and so tired that I decided to just listen to the doctors when they said I was ok. I was too tired to worry. People sent me books, cards, presents, and left lovely messages on my phone. I didn’t respond to ANY of it. So not only did I feel sick, but I felt like such a slacker. I couldn’t cook dinner. I couldn’t eat anything. I didn’t call my friends. These characteristics that make me ME were all fading away and I was just a lump. Even the dogs were sick of me.

It took just about all my effort to get to the ultrasound in my 7^th week. But I made it. And it was pretty cool, because I saw and heard this. (And if you notice, I totally forgot about the nausea.)