Thursday, January 21, 2010

O Ye of Many Faiths

The Perkiest Nurse of them All popped her head into the lobby. I stood up and smiled.
"Ready, girl? This is it!"
David and I walked back to the "Girl Side" of the office. The Perkiest Nurse of them All led us to "New York." She giggled and said, "If you get pregnant, your baby will be a New Yorker!" I thought this was very funny.
I laid down on the bed. David waited with me while reading a Business Journal. Of all the different scenarios I had envisioned for the conception of our first child, this didn't even make the long list.
Winnie popped in while seeming to laugh at a joke she had just heard. She was so thrilled to be the one who got to inseminate us. She talked and joked and hopped around the room and I didn't really hear any of it. I felt sort of zen. Almost like I was in the zone. The Baby Zone. Similar to the Danger Zone. "Gonna take a riiiide intoooo the...BABY ZONE."
Winnie grabbed a long, floppy syringe in a package and held it up. "David, is this your name and social security number?"
"Yes it is."
"Erin, is this the guy you want?" She showed me the package. There they were. The swimmers. I read his name and since I've never been able to memorize his social security number, not even the last four numbers, I couldn't tell the difference between it and the formula they wrote beneath it indicating the amount of swimmers inside the syringe.
"That's him. What's that number?"
"Oh! That's his count! Twenty million!"
I looked at Dave and he looked at me. Our
mouths were both TOTALLY hanging open. "Twenty million, babe?! Wow, look at you!"
Dave smiled sheepishly and said, "Yeah. That's right."
"That's a great count!" Winnie chirped. "We are in GOOD shape!"
I laid back and she readied the tools. "Oh, Erin. You have such a beautiful cervix."
"Wow. Thank you?"
And before I could make a face at how silly that sounded, she was finished. It was just that quick.
"Alright! Now relax for a while. You don't have anywhere to go, do you?"
"Nope. I'm hanging out," I said. I got out my book and Winnie cleaned up her supplies. She stopped short and said, "Woah! What's this thing?"
"Oh. That is a fetish my friend gave me," I replied.
"What's a fetish?"
"I'm not really sure. Some kind of statue that represents health and you have to face it towards the East. So that's what I did. I figured it couldn't hurt."
"Oh!" Winnie shouted. Just then Sally popped in. "Sally! Erin's all hippy dippy! Look at her little thing to help her be healthy!"
"Oh wow!" Sally giggled. "I didn't know you liked this stuff! Hold on!"
Sally ran out of the room and seconds later emerged with a fertility god made out of wood. "Look! We had this in the other room! We'll put this one in here, too."
Then Winnie jumped. "Oh wait! That one...the um..."
Sally interrupted, "Oh right! With the thing! Hang on!"
They both ran out of the room. I looked over at the fertility god and then the fetish. One of them winked, for sure. The girls ran back in.
"This one is the Poof-You're-Pregnant-Fairy. I'm going to poof you with it and then set it by
your head."
"And this one is another one of those fertility gods. I don't know from which tribe, or whatever, but it looks like a penis so I'm sure it couldn't hurt."
"And this one..."
They went on to describe and explain each little fertility god, fairy, and statue. They carefully placed each one in different places around and about the room and my head. Sally kept poofing me with the Poof-You're-Pregnant-Fairy.

David had to leave shortly thereafter for a meeting and the girls had other patients so I was left with all my new little friends. I had a huge smile on my face. Not to say that this was better than the normal method of conception, but I sure was stress-free.

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