Sunday, December 20, 2009

Dr. Kale vs. Bacon

When I decided to see a nutritionist, it was with the hopes that eating bacon and rib eye every night might have some healthier alternative out there.
Of course, as any good nutritionist would be, he was horrified at what I was eating. Without actually saying it, he basically guaranteed I'd be dead in a month if I kept up this "animal product" diet. This indicated to me that I needed to get pregnant within a month or David would be a childless widow. No pressure, or anything.
Dr. Kale told me that dark legumes, sprouted wheat, blueberries, and (of course) kale was all I should be eating to "cleanse" my body of the animals. This went against EVERYTHING my endocrinologist said (and frankly, I wondered where cheese fit in). I decided to keep eating meat and talk to the nurses at the endocrinologist's office.
I went in for a "pre-cycle" visit to make sure everything was fine before we started the whole process over again. I mentioned "nutritionist" (actually, I think I only got "nutrit" out) and my nurse dropped her pen. "Who? You went to a nutritionist?"
"Yes, Dr. Kale. He's really nice and very supporti..."
"I've had many words with many nutritionists in this town. I've even kicked some asses. They do NOT understand that our goal here is to..."
"No no, Winnie. It's fine. I'm not going to change anything about my diet." I mean, I'm not going to change anything about my diet now that I've watched your eyes turn red and your hands start to shake at the mere mention of the word "nutritionist".
"Ok, yes. No I know you wouldn't. You're not stupid, Erin. But some of my patients might have given into that crap."
Oh boy. Now my nurse is mad at me. I quickly lied through my teeth, denouncing everything Dr. Kale said in favor of eating all animal products all day every day for the rest of my life to please Winnie. These were the people I should be trusting anyway, right? They were the ones who got hundreds of women pregnant before me! I would just have to return to Dr. Kale and let him know I would be sticking with the pregnancy diet.
This is turn meant Dr. Kale was now mad at me, too. Being very zen-like (mainly because he doesn't eat anything), he reminded me of how important my own health was if I was going to have a child. He understood my choices, but couldn't hide the frustration in his left eyeball everytime I said bacon.
So at this point I've got two experts in two different fields totally up in arms about what I was eating and both guaranteed to get me pregnant if I just listened to THEIR ideas. I didn't think this hard about the last election.
Ultimately, I decided to write out the pros and cons while eating a cupcake -
Pros with the endocrinologist: This diet had worked many times and many women got pregnant this way. I've seen the pictures of the babies on the walls as proof.
Cons: All meat diet, could die next month.
Pros with the nutritionist: A larger variety of food, more fun 'cuz I'm not dead.
Cons: No real evidence that his method will get me pregnant.

I ultimately decided to stick with the endocrinologist's diet. My biological instincts are much stronger than my fear of mortality. And if this blog suddenly ends in the middle of January, you'll know to trust the nutritionist next time.

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