Monday, December 28, 2009

Consumer Complaints

So let's be honest, trying to get pregnant every month and failing isn't always funny. Sometimes it's downright mean of Mother Nature to give me ovaries and a uterus if she knew they weren't going to work the way they should. But I have to get over it and realize that we've all got a path and everything is happening exactly as it should and blah, blah, blah.
Whatever cliche you choose to impart upon me, I'm taking this time to thoroughly, authentically, and quite plainly, bitch.
How sick am I of hearing about women who accidentally get pregnant? It's not their fault, and they certainly shouldn't keep it a secret, but it sure does twist the knife when they remark on how terrified they were when they found out they were with child. It's unbelievably annoying when they tell me they weren't even trying or didn't feel ready. Yeah, you've been inconvenienced, but you've been inconvenienced by a PERSON you MADE. That's about the best freakin' inconvenience I can think of. Ironically, I was a surprise. (I prefer "surprise" over "accident".) And so was David. Does this mean two accidents combining make a couple infertile? Is it like two North Poles of a magnet? Our egg and sperm look at each other like, "Oh, no. We will have NO MORE ACCIDENTS."

And how about that show, "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant." Really? You didn't? How adorable. You gained 20 pounds, puked, stopped your period ENTIRELY, became irretrievably moody, and started going into labor before you figured out that you were harboring life. You know what? Give me your baby. Just give it to me. If you didn't even know, what's the difference? You won't miss it and then I'll get to have the baby I always wanted. There should be a call-in number at the end of that show where infertile women can vote for which babies most deserve new mothers and why. Because if you don't give those babies to someone else, in 20 years they'll all be on Nightline talking about how they never felt like their mothers even knew they were there. Because they didn't.

But this...this is my favorite. Everyone and their sister is pregnant. At least one person from every period of my life is pregnant. And they're all afraid to TELL me. Sure, they eventually tell me, but they tip toe because they don't want to "hurt my feelings". Well, that pisses me off even more. It would hurt my feelings if you were secretly shooting Dave up with anabolic steroids or stealing my fertility goodness from the fridge. It doesn't hurt my feelings that you're pregnant. I think it's tap-dancing, booty-shaking, kiss-you-on-the-face fantastic that you're pregnant. Now, let's not talk about how expensive your labor and delivery bills are going to be. Your baby was free.

1 comment:

  1. Erin, you had me rolling on the floor with this one. This may have been your bitching posting, but it was almost like an awesome script for a monologue in one of those vignette performances! Maybe you could submit it to vagina monologues :). Anyway, you are hilarious and someday you'll get to show this to your kids and you can all laugh together!