A Good Alternative

(*Starbucks Lady is maybe 40, big southern hair, a really sweet smile, thick souther accent.)

Starbucks Lady: Hey ya'll, what kin ah make fer ya'll? You know ya'll are thiiirsty!!

David: Nothing for me, thanks.

Me: I'll have a cafe latte, decaf please.

Starbucks Lady: Ya'll, it is soo smart to get that decaf at night. Or you can get half-caff. Yoo know? Utherwise you'll be up all night!

Me: True enough.

Starbucks Lady: Ya'll want fat free milk?

Me: Full fat, please.

Starbucks Lady: Good fer YOO girl! Any snaaaacks fer ya'll? A muffin or some crumb cake?

Me: Oh, no thanks.

Friend: She can't eat any of the things in your case, unfortunately.

Starbucks Lady: (slams her hands on the counter and whispers) Now girl, don't tell me yer on a diet.

Me: No, no. I just can't have sugar.

Starbucks Lady: Oh nooo! No sugar? That is terrible. None?

Me: None, but it's ok.

Starbucks Lady: Oh my goodness. I wish I had sooome kind of snack fer yoo!

Friend: Do you have a salami roll?

Starbucks Lady: (doubles over laughing silently like she can't even breathe because it's so funny, then a HUGE inhale) OH MY GOSH, YA'LL!!! (another silent laugh and a HUGE inhale) OH MY GOSH, THAT IS TOOO FUNNY!!

Me: Or a meat muffin. I could eat that.

Starbucks Lady (cannot catch her breath, laughing so hard): YOU GUY- (inhale) YOU GUYS ARE SO- (inhale) OH MY GOSH, that is so funny ya'll!! You know I would just love to see you fill out one of them comment cards requesting some salami rolls or meat muffins!!!!

Me: That's not a bad idea.

And so I wrote to Starbucks corporate and asked for Salami Rolls and Meat Muffins. I'll let you know what they say. Crossing fingers...