Monday, July 13, 2009

The 7 Types of Redneck : Part 1

The Men

Type 1: The Camo Redneck
This Redneck breed wears camouflage; a lot of it. Anything from hats to pants to boxers. He has never been, nor does he every plan to serve, in any form of military. He owns several guns, though has never shot anything that is edible. He drives a truck capable of getting flattening every mailbox and decorative tree in the neighborhood with ease. A decal sticker often adorns the front windshield donning slogans like, "Ducks Unlimited" or "Git 'r Done." He has never been in a situation that required hiding in jungle foliage or even shrubbery.

Type 2: The No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem Redneck
This Redneck breed rarely wears a shirt or shoes. His skin is mainly a reddish shade until his pant line. Normally his arms or back display tattoos of half-nude women, large fish, or trucks. His pants of choice are usually black or stone-washed jeans. Despite never wearing a shirt or shoes, he always wears a hat. Buttocks cleavage is a favorite among this breed.

Type 3: The South will Rise Again Redneck
This Redneck is easy to spot by his mullet. He's typically between the ages of 20 and 30 years old. He does not know anyone who was alive in the 1860's and didn't serve in WW-II. Neither did any of his relatives. He enjoys talking about his "heritage", George W. Bush, and threesomes. He favors Busch beer over water and most foods. He typically "displays" a Confederate Flag in his window in place of curtains.

Type 4: The Silent Redneck
This Redneck is by far the most elusive. He is rather shy and rarely makes his appearance known in public. When surrounded by friends, he often smiles or nods when asked any question. He can usually be seen wearing a flannel shirt in summer and scratching his beard and mustache with fingernails that are uncharacteristically long for a male.

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