Friday, October 9, 2009

Tying it All Together

Picture this: He's Italian, 35, a little gut, nice polo, and this look on his face ALL THE TIME:

And he's sitting at our table in Jew Class.

He's my favorite new character.

With every remark he makes, he either hits the table or moves his hands back and forth in front of him as if he's jiggling an imaginary Jello platter in typical Italian communication-style.

Now read this accordingly.

Rabbi: There are very specific rules regarding the first born male. This male is immediately given to God as a sacrifice. However, when it became less popular to sacrifice your first born, a redemption became an option. It is up to the family to offer 5 sheckles to the Temple. Now if you do not, you must dedicate your son to the Temple. Even if you have 7 girls and then have a boy, he is still considered the first born. Now when the boy is born and is sick...

Tony: Dis is easy ta reMEMbuh. It's like FOOTball rools. It's jus FOOTbaaaaaaall.

Rabbi: Prior to the groom getting married, he typically fasts. During the fast, he gathers his closest friends and family and gives his Jewish educational perspective on a portion of the Torah. During this time, his friends attempt to interrupt him and recount stories of his youth. If they are able to complete the story, the groom must drink, usually Chivas Regal....

Tony: Dis is easy ta reMEmbuh. It's like AAASShole. Dat game at my cuzin's apatment when we got wasted. Huhuhuhuhuh.

Rabbi: There are many ways in which a couple can be considered married in the Jewish religion. The ceremony including a ring is one of the ways. However, many centuries ago, three figs had to be given to the woman prior to the marriage. The three figs had to be given to the bride all at once. You could not deliver one fig, then two figs...

Tony: Dis is easy ta reMEmbuh. Layaway. The Jews don't like da layaway. Dats too baaad.

(It was difficult to contain myself, as you can imagine.)

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