Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Same Nurse, Different Day

Well, she was nicer this time when she called. I'm not sure if she knows I'm the one who ratted her out for being an insensitive mouth-breather, but she sure did deliver the news carefully and kindly.
"Erin, I've got your results. Are you ready?"
"Um, yes."
"Well, ok, here they are..."
So, I've got the gestational diabetes. I passed the fasting blood sugar test, but when it came to that unreasonably sugary drink, my body was thrown for a loop. The diet changes are going to be very minimal, since I already eat a fairly low-sugar diet. And I get one of those glucometers, for free no less! That should be fun at parties.
I have to go see an endocrinologist, different from the reproductive endocrinologist I was seeing before (you may remember Dr. New York?). I wish I could just go back to the doc I was seeing before, but I guess in order to properly treat me they have to keep things as complicated and uncomfortable as possible.
Am I sad? Yeah, pretty sad. And I'm fairly scared. My best friend gave birth to a beautiful, healthy, perfect little boy yesterday. I want that more than anything in the world. But I have to admit, the selfish side of me also just wants to have a freakin' normal moment for once. I keep having those pitiful woe-is-me thoughts: "First I can't get pregnant, then I finally do get pregnant an I'm sick as a dog for the first trimester. Sure, that's fairly normal, but then I gain more weight than I expect and I have to start watching my calorie intake instead of happily feeding my face the way most pregnant women do. Now I've got gestational diabetes in the third trimester and 'fetal demise' is floating around in my head like an angry balloon on a windy day." Then, of course, I feel guilt for not worrying more about my unborn child and too much about myself.
I'm fairly certain I'm going to be a good mom. But why does it all have to be so difficult? And why does the most challenging part of my life have to come precisely at the time I have virtually no control over my irrational emotions and while the only thing that really helps quell the sadness is a Snickers bar?? This is a cruel trick. Cruel.
Is this because I never finished converting, God?

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