It was around Halloween when I was finally ready for my last ultrasound. They had to get one last look before I got THE BIG SHOT. As long as everything had continued growing in the right direction, nature could take it’s course. You know, after all the pills and the injectable drugs and the ultrasounds, NATURE could finally take it’s course. There were plenty of moments along the road that I wondered if this was really the right decision. It sure didn’t seem like I was the one making the babies anymore.
When I checked in at the front desk, Amy greeted me dressed like a 1970’s rocker chic. I remind you, it was Halloween, and it appeared these folks took their holidays very seriously. I guess if you’re looking at women’s uteruses and ovaries all day, you long for a break from the norm.
The Wicked Witch of the West called my name and led me to Ponte Vedra for my ultrasound. I joked in my head while waiting on the table about what or who would be walking in to examine me. Harry Potter, maybe? Chucky? Kate Gosselin?
Would you believe it was none of those? No modern media news story character on crack could have topped what I saw walk in the door. It was sperm. A grown woman dressed as a giant, 5 foot tall sperm. A human-sized sperm had come to help me get pregnant. Now, if this isn’t an ancient Chinese proverb, or at least a sign of good luck, I don’t know what is.
She sat down and I couldn’t stop moving from giggling and laughing out loud. What made the whole situation even more hilarious is she kept having to reposition her head within the giant sperm’s head to see out. When she finally gave me the thumb’s up (do sperm have thumbs?), I watched her long sperm tail drag behind her as she left the room. I’m pretty sure that’s the most times I’ve ever typed the word “sperm”, so thanks to her for that.
Another one of my nurses, a demure Green M&M, came in all smiles. “You’re ready to release your egg!”
There aren’t a lot of responses to this that seem appropriate in the moment, so I just stuck with the smile and the thumbs up right next to the face. I warned her that I might get woozy, so she propped me up against the table so that if I fainted I would land square in the outline of my butt in the exam table sanitary paper. She got out THE BIG SHOT and I closed my eyes. I told her no counting. Just do it! I was pretty nervous, and rightfully so. She grabbed my thigh muscle and shoved that thing in deep! It felt like it went all the way down to my ankle, but within a few minutes the pain was gone. I had survived THE BIG SHOT, and I would finally have my chance.
“Great job!” the Green M&M shrieked. “Wait about 12 hours, and then you guys can give this a fair try!”
You got it, M&M. We're going to give this a fair try.
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