Tricks, Shortcuts, and Talents

1. I don't believe in bibs. They either stain their clothes or stain their bibs. Either way, it's laundry for me to do. So Abraham eats naked. Every meal. If we're out to eat I will occasionally give him a bib only because of the judging stares. Otherwise, it's chicken and sweet potatoes, hold the onesy.

2. I have a VERY hard time wasting food. I clearly starved to death in a former life. I save chicken fat in case we "need" it someday. I also can't bring myself to become one of the moms who cleans up after their kid by eating what's left on the tray. So when Abraham is finished with a meal, the highchair tray goes onto the floor. I sweep out any crumbs from the seat directly onto the floor. And I call the dogs. Abe lunch? Check. Dog's lunch? Check. Two birds.

3. Abraham has a nasty habit of spitting up. I've done everything they say to do but he continues to spit up. The doctor assures us he's growing and his gut is fine, so we just have to wait until he matures out of it. If I had a burp cloth for every spit up, I'd have a LOT of laundry. So sometimes (ok, all the time) I get Abe undressed on the floor in the living room and leave his jammies there before breakfast. That way later on when we're playing and he spits up, I can use the jammies that I was already going to have to wash. Two more birds.

4. There came a point in my life when frozen breastmilk was taking up an entire section of the freezer. This was both disorganized and unattractive (and embarrassing when I had to direct my friends to, "Reach past the breastmilk to get to the vodka"). Then I saw a trick on the Oprah show (RIP) about freezing soup in ziploc bags lying flat. Then when they're frozen you can stand up them and stack them like files. So I did it with the breastmilk and viola, they all fit in the door and the vodka is in plain sight.

5. We have iPads. They are a completely unnecessary object that I LOVE and use every night before bed to read, play games, etc. And in the morning when Abe joins us for morning snuggles, he very quickly loses interest in us. This is where the iPad becomes my best friend. I put on a baby app and away he goes. He will know how to email by the time he's 11 months old. I'm also not afraid to load it up with Baby Einstein videos for road trips (why do kids LOVE that series???).

6. Every baby toy on the market requires batteries and the loudest, most annoying sounds on the planet in order to be labeled "6+ months". However, I have developed a keen ability to hear and discriminate the meows of baby kittens whispering in the other room amid the songs, beeps, and cranks of every toy that makes a noise in my house. I can have a complete telephone conversation with the president while shaking a rattle, sending the cars down the zoom zoom racetrack, and pushing the musical lady bug's head. It's a new gift that I attribute to motherhood.

A Car Ride

Oh, I'm going to pass Target on the way home. I could stop and take back that deodorant David didn't like and pick up a Father's Day card.
"Bah bah bah bah bah."
"Yeah, bud? What else? Tell mama!"
I need gas. Wonder if Abe will last long enough to go to Target and get gas. 
"Bah bah BAH BAH bah bah."
"Wow, bubba. You're a loud dude! What else?"
"Bah bah BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH..."
"OK OK! Mama hears you! We'll just get gas and go home. Almost home."
Does he...oh. Damn. He kicked the mirror. I can't tell if he's got his sippy cup. 
<try turning around>
Hm. I don't see it.
"Do you have your sippy cup, Abe?"
"BAAAAAAAAAH, thhhhbbbbbbbt."
Red light. Perfect. I'll turn around and...yep. There is it. Shoot. Unbuckle my seat belt, reach, almost...
"BAH BAH BAH."
"I know, I'm getting it bud."
...got it. 
"Here you go, sweetie."
Maybe that's why he was...
"BAH BAH BAH BAH..."
...yelling. Maybe not. It's 20 minutes from nap time. He's probably super tired. 
Good lord. Please stop playing Rhianna.
<change radio station>
Jesus, how many singles does she have?
<change radio station>

We can listen to NPR. Maybe Abe will feel like I'm talking to him. I should probably talk to him more. Especially when we're driving.
"Hey sweetie! What are your feet doing? Kicking? Looks like so much fun! WOAH..."
CHRIST! HELLO? BLINKER? NICE BLINKER! Asshole.
God, don't these people have children? Or know children? Or know about the fact that there are children? 
"Bah. BAH."
"You tell 'em, Abe. USE YOUR BLINKER."
Gas station! We can stop quickly and then run to Target. He'll make it.
<pulls into gas station>
"I'm going to put gas in the car, Abe. I'll be right outside your window! Ready! We're going to play the window game!"
Shit, where's my wallet. Oh come on, are you kidding me? WHERE'S MY WALLET? Ugh. I've been driving around without a wallet. That's just great. Where is it? 
How many miles do I have left, what's the range? 
8. 
Hm. I'm probably 4 miles from home. We can make it. And Target is on the way. So it's fine. Ok.
"Ok, all finished, Abe. Let's go to Target. Mama couldn't find her wallet so..."
Oh for God's sake, how am I going to go to Target if I don't have my wallet??!
"BAAAAAAAAAAH BAH BAH BAH bah bah bah bah."
"Almost home. We're going home now. No Target. We can just go straight home."
It's fine, I'll do laundry. I can go to Target tomorrow. 
"BWAAAAAAAAAH, WAAAAAAAAAH."
"I know sweetie. We're going home right now. You're hungry, huh sweetie?"
Ok, I can give him carrots, sweet potatoes...no wait. He didn't eat those yesterday. I don't have chicken cooked. I think we're out of sliced turkey. Gosh, we don't even have an avocado. I could give him...hmm...bacon? No, I can't do that. Eggs. I have eggs. He can have an egg and some carrots. God, that's an awful lunch. 
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH."
"Almost there, baby. Mama's going to feed you a yummy lunch and then we'll have a nice nap."
WHY IS EVERY LIGHT RED?
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."
I've gotta get him the pacifier. I'll have to put it in park. Reach. I can't keep my foot on the...
<HONK>
Oh, right, ok, HONK at me. It's been green for like 5 minutes, right?
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."
"Next light, sweetie, I'll get it for you. Next light. Almost there."
I should just pull over. We're so close to home though. AH! Red light! Perfect!"
<reach back, pacifier to Abe>
"There, baby. Now we can just relax because we're almost home. Only 3 more turns. I looooove you."
Alright. I'll get inside, I'll pull the carrots out and I think there's a hard boiled egg in there. Great. Oh, and I'll let the dogs out. Or maybe leave them in while I get lunch so Abe can see them and play and be distracted. Ok, dogs with Abe, get lunch out, feed him and put him down. And then laundry. Perfect.
"Home bubbah! Ready for lunch? Look! It's raining outside! Just in time for lunch and a nap."
Aaaaand he's asleep.
Perfect.