You fill up my plate.
No nutritional value.
Where is my salad?
FIN
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Flying and Biting and I Hate You
I went my sister-in-law's house today to play in the pool. We brought the dogs so that they could run and play in their giant yard. Little did I know, the recent rains left behind wading pools of standing water in the corners of the property. If you've ever been to Florida, you know what standing water means...Say it with me now...
MOSQUITOES.
That's right, thousands of them. And before I knew it, Charlie's back leg looked like cottage cheese. The poor guy just kept flipping his head from left to right, as if to say to me, "There's one. Another one. There's one." I kept smacking them off, which likely made him question my love for him. ("Why is she hitting me!?") Bella just gave me sad eyes and tall ears the entire time. "Is she going to hit me too?!" We took them inside after only about 20 minutes on the porch.
If there were ever a living creature to be displaced from Earth and sent to live in a fiery ball of hell somewhere far away in outer space, I vote mosquitoes top the list.
MOSQUITOES.
That's right, thousands of them. And before I knew it, Charlie's back leg looked like cottage cheese. The poor guy just kept flipping his head from left to right, as if to say to me, "There's one. Another one. There's one." I kept smacking them off, which likely made him question my love for him. ("Why is she hitting me!?") Bella just gave me sad eyes and tall ears the entire time. "Is she going to hit me too?!" We took them inside after only about 20 minutes on the porch.
If there were ever a living creature to be displaced from Earth and sent to live in a fiery ball of hell somewhere far away in outer space, I vote mosquitoes top the list.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Best Worst Night Ever
You ever have a night when all the stars align to make the greatest night ever, and everything goes wrong?
Went to a new Mexican restaurant tonight. The place was packed and the chips and salsa were awesome right off the bat. Our server, She-of-Little-English I call her, quickly took our drink orders and whisked away.
The trouble began shortly thereafter when all the drinks were delivered minus the Strawberry Margarita. A cheese dip order was also overlooked, much to the dismay of the pregnant woman sitting at our table. When a manager happened to pass by, we informed him of the missing items and his response sort of indicated he knew. He knew where all of the missing orders were stored and would quickly retrieve them from the locked vault behind the kitchen. And he did. Except the he brought a regular margarita and some cheese dip that appeared to be mozzarella and water warmed up in the microwave.
As the "appetizer" sat and cooled, our empty drink glasses began to pile up at the edge of the table. Our waitress, a busboy, and the manager passed by several times before eventually someone (who I guess works at the restaurant) waved her arm and said something inaudible. Several minutes later our drink were refilled.
When the meals made it to the table, we all felt rather pleased. All except for the pregnant woman, the only patron in our party with no plate laid in front of her. We wait several moments for someone to come by with her plate, but unfortunately, several moments wasn't long enough. I flagged down our waitress and showed her the empty spot at our table and she nodded knowingly. She knew about the missing-orders vault as well. She left and returned within moments with...no food. She then brought her tip swiftly from 18% to 15% with one question: What did you order again?
The food wasn't as good as it looked. David's fajita meat lay charred on an overheated skillet, literally tasting of grill garbage. The fish tacos fell apart, the beans looked like the gruel Oliver was forced to eat in the orphanage, and something tasting strongly of mold left the nachos sitting untouched at the edge of the booth. Notice how when the food sucks, no one stops to ask you how your meal was?
We thought we'd top the night off with ice cream and the worst scary movie ever, "Quarantine." Shot entirely in first person (a la Blair Witch Project), we all felt more sick during the closing credits than we did after dinner. The ice cream sitting on top of nasty Mexican food didn't help either. We couldn't help but laugh ourselves into a coma at how ridiculously bad everything we attempted to do turned out to be. Sometimes a bad night can be pretty awesome. :)
Went to a new Mexican restaurant tonight. The place was packed and the chips and salsa were awesome right off the bat. Our server, She-of-Little-English I call her, quickly took our drink orders and whisked away.
The trouble began shortly thereafter when all the drinks were delivered minus the Strawberry Margarita. A cheese dip order was also overlooked, much to the dismay of the pregnant woman sitting at our table. When a manager happened to pass by, we informed him of the missing items and his response sort of indicated he knew. He knew where all of the missing orders were stored and would quickly retrieve them from the locked vault behind the kitchen. And he did. Except the he brought a regular margarita and some cheese dip that appeared to be mozzarella and water warmed up in the microwave.
As the "appetizer" sat and cooled, our empty drink glasses began to pile up at the edge of the table. Our waitress, a busboy, and the manager passed by several times before eventually someone (who I guess works at the restaurant) waved her arm and said something inaudible. Several minutes later our drink were refilled.
When the meals made it to the table, we all felt rather pleased. All except for the pregnant woman, the only patron in our party with no plate laid in front of her. We wait several moments for someone to come by with her plate, but unfortunately, several moments wasn't long enough. I flagged down our waitress and showed her the empty spot at our table and she nodded knowingly. She knew about the missing-orders vault as well. She left and returned within moments with...no food. She then brought her tip swiftly from 18% to 15% with one question: What did you order again?
The food wasn't as good as it looked. David's fajita meat lay charred on an overheated skillet, literally tasting of grill garbage. The fish tacos fell apart, the beans looked like the gruel Oliver was forced to eat in the orphanage, and something tasting strongly of mold left the nachos sitting untouched at the edge of the booth. Notice how when the food sucks, no one stops to ask you how your meal was?
We thought we'd top the night off with ice cream and the worst scary movie ever, "Quarantine." Shot entirely in first person (a la Blair Witch Project), we all felt more sick during the closing credits than we did after dinner. The ice cream sitting on top of nasty Mexican food didn't help either. We couldn't help but laugh ourselves into a coma at how ridiculously bad everything we attempted to do turned out to be. Sometimes a bad night can be pretty awesome. :)
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Scamming a Scammer - I Finally Ticked him Off
Oh boy. After months of mindless banter and totally unrelated questioning, I've finally pissed him off. I was as surprised as you all are by his reactions! When we last left off, I asked John if he'd received the money I sent to "Aaron."
From John to Eliza
Hey.what do you mean by that?there is nothing delivered here and you did not provide the Tracking number..How did you send it?and also did you send the money to Aaron through Western Union?If so what are the transfer details?
Senders Name and Address?
MTCN 10 DIGIT NUMBER?
Exact Amount sent?
So let me have this details..Okay
From Eliza to John
From John to Eliza
Hey Eliza do not disturb me...I hate this shit.
(Whaaaaaat?! Don't worry, I'll bring him back around.)
From John to Eliza
Hey.what do you mean by that?there is nothing delivered here and you did not provide the Tracking number..How did you send it?and also did you send the money to Aaron through Western Union?If so what are the transfer details?
Senders Name and Address?
MTCN 10 DIGIT NUMBER?
Exact Amount sent?
So let me have this details..Okay
From Eliza to John
John,
Western Union?!?! You told me in your last email to send everything, including $350 cash, directly to the address you provided to me. Do you mean to tell me that I was supposed to send my identities through the Western Union?! Do you think Aaron will save my identities and send them back to me? I really need my ID back so I can drink in the surrounding towns (I'm already banned from drinking in the town I live in).
When do I get the laptop?!
Eliza
Western Union?!?! You told me in your last email to send everything, including $350 cash, directly to the address you provided to me. Do you mean to tell me that I was supposed to send my identities through the Western Union?! Do you think Aaron will save my identities and send them back to me? I really need my ID back so I can drink in the surrounding towns (I'm already banned from drinking in the town I live in).
When do I get the laptop?!
Eliza
From John to Eliza
Hey Eliza do not disturb me...I hate this shit.
(Whaaaaaat?! Don't worry, I'll bring him back around.)
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Gotta Love Jacksonville Craigslist
good money (jax)
Reply to:
Date: 2009-05-19, 7:41PM EDT
I need a female to be by my side and make someone jealous.... I am willing to pay top dollar per hour to go to the suns game and out to dinner at a fundraiser set up...... $30 an hour for about 20 hours of your time...... reply if interested for more details
- Location: jax
- Compensation: $30 an hour
- Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
- Please, no phone calls about this job!
- Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Things I Learned in a Thai Restaurant in L.A.
1. "A Pleasant Light Sauce" means "soy sauce".
2. A "B" in the window might not be because of the food; it might be because of the opaque fish tank.
3. Lime juice dressing on iceberg lettuce does not a salad make.
4. A women's restroom can double as a cleaning supplies closet.
5. When a Thai woman stares you in the eye for more than 5 seconds, she's ready to take your order.
2. A "B" in the window might not be because of the food; it might be because of the opaque fish tank.
3. Lime juice dressing on iceberg lettuce does not a salad make.
4. A women's restroom can double as a cleaning supplies closet.
5. When a Thai woman stares you in the eye for more than 5 seconds, she's ready to take your order.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Scamming a Scammer, Part 12
We last left Eliza asking John to send her an address where she can send her "indentities."
From John to Eliza:
Okay below is the company info to send the funds to:
NAME.........................Aaron Porter
ADDRESS ...................304 ROUTE 25a
CITY.......... ................Dayton
STATE....................... Ohio
ZIP CODE. .................45406
Will be waiting for the transferdetails
From Eliza to John:
John,
I have some questions.
1. Who is Aaron?
2. I thought you were in England? Dayton, Ohio is really nice, but it's not as nice as England.
3. Can I just come visit you at this address? I'd like to talk face-to-face.
4. Can you send a Mac laptop? They are so much cuter.
Eliza
From John to Eliza
YES Aaron is just our agent ...Ok we dont have a branch in Ohio..Aaron is just our Agent in the state and the Laptop we have in the Company is Brand New HP Laptop...Ok so i want you to try and make sure you send the money tomorrow which is Monday...Okay
From Eliza to John:
John,
Did you get it? I sent everything almost 2 weeks ago! I sent my identities and I sent $350 cash, mostly in 1s and 5s because the lady at the bank branch didn't have any legitimate 20s left. Where's the laptop?! I expected to have it by now!
I went ahead and set up an office near my house. It's actually in the 76 station bathroom, but there was already a table in there and you can lock it from the inside. It's damned near perfect!! I don't even have to leave work to go to the bathroom!! I went ahead and moved all of my office supplies in but I felt like it was a little impersonal so I'm adding some pictures. I've got one of Jesus, one of my Uncle Clemin (my mentor and dealer), and one of myself (there's no mirror in the bathroom). I would really like to put up a picture of you and Aaron as a constant reminder of the people who got me to the place I am today. Would you please send me a picture of you at work; kind of like my boss is there at my office keeping me in line, you know?! Send it soon because the library printer doesn't always have ink. Thanks!
Let me know when the laptop will be here!
Eliza
From John to Eliza:
Okay below is the company info to send the funds to:
NAME.........................Aaron Porter
ADDRESS ...................304 ROUTE 25a
CITY.......... ................Dayton
STATE....................... Ohio
ZIP CODE. .................45406
Will be waiting for the transferdetails
From Eliza to John:
John,
I have some questions.
1. Who is Aaron?
2. I thought you were in England? Dayton, Ohio is really nice, but it's not as nice as England.
3. Can I just come visit you at this address? I'd like to talk face-to-face.
4. Can you send a Mac laptop? They are so much cuter.
Eliza
From John to Eliza
YES Aaron is just our agent ...Ok we dont have a branch in Ohio..Aaron is just our Agent in the state and the Laptop we have in the Company is Brand New HP Laptop...Ok so i want you to try and make sure you send the money tomorrow which is Monday...Okay
From Eliza to John:
John,
Did you get it? I sent everything almost 2 weeks ago! I sent my identities and I sent $350 cash, mostly in 1s and 5s because the lady at the bank branch didn't have any legitimate 20s left. Where's the laptop?! I expected to have it by now!
I went ahead and set up an office near my house. It's actually in the 76 station bathroom, but there was already a table in there and you can lock it from the inside. It's damned near perfect!! I don't even have to leave work to go to the bathroom!! I went ahead and moved all of my office supplies in but I felt like it was a little impersonal so I'm adding some pictures. I've got one of Jesus, one of my Uncle Clemin (my mentor and dealer), and one of myself (there's no mirror in the bathroom). I would really like to put up a picture of you and Aaron as a constant reminder of the people who got me to the place I am today. Would you please send me a picture of you at work; kind of like my boss is there at my office keeping me in line, you know?! Send it soon because the library printer doesn't always have ink. Thanks!
Let me know when the laptop will be here!
Eliza
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)